


because mental health is not beautiful

by driftingashes



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Awareness, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Self-Harm, Starvation, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unspecified Mental Disorders, read tws, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:22:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25083073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driftingashes/pseuds/driftingashes
Summary: Mental health is not a joke. It is not beautiful or romantic or delicate. You marvel at how it's possible, to long for something with every fiber of your body and yet still be so fucking empty because you can't possibly do both but yet here you are. Wishing for something forever out of reach.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

Mental health is not a joke.

It is not beautiful or romantic or delicate. 

It's heavy and overwhelming and makes you feel like shredding at your skin until you're an entirely new person. It's needing to scream but being unable to find your voice. It's ragged breaths catching in your throat as you struggle to draw in air. It's the pounding of a headache after hours crying for maybe no discernible reason at all.

It's a crippling weight settled on your shoulders and dragging you down until you can hardly bear to move because everything is agony and everything is meaningless. It's crying out for help when nobody is listening. It's begging for a release when the only way to help is to split your skin open or starve yourself or pull out your hair or scratch at your skin til it's raw.

It's breakdown after breakdown that even your closest friends don't completely understand. It's a shower with your clothes still on. It's bangs cut at three in the morning because if you can't do anything else then that at least is something you can control.

It's smoking a cigarette on a street corner at midnight, watching the stars and longing to feel something more than numb because you used to be so happy and where did that little happy child go why can't you be them again you miss that carefree feeling with a longing so deep that it'd be a physical ache in your chest if you felt anything anymore but you don't.

_(And you marvel at how that's possible, to long for something with every fiber of your body and yet still be so fucking empty because you can't possibly do both but yet here you are. Wishing for something forever out of reach.)_

It's staring at your reflection in a mirror and not recognizing the face staring back. It's hundreds of people saying 'just be happy' 'just don't be so anxious' 'just get over it' 'just go see a therapist' because they don't. Fucking. Understand.

Because mental health is not beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Ash


	2. Chapter 2

Virgil had been curled up on the floor for long enough that he'd lost count of the days by the time he heard the door creak open, a soft voice calling his name.

"Virgil, can you hear me? Are you in here?"

He didn't have the energy not willpower to try responding, and instead closed his eyes again, too tired to keep them open.

"Virgil?" Logan's voice was closer now, and he gasped, footsteps stopping abruptly. "Virgil!"

Virgil reluctantly opened his eyes again, squinting against the glow of the overhead light. "Lo," he mumbled.

"Virgil...have you eaten anything today?" Logan asked, a nervous edge creeping into his voice.

Virgil narrowed his eyes. "Dunno...what day is it?" Even that short reply lest him breathless and exhausted, headache softening as he tried to stay focused on Logan's form kneeling at his side.

"Goodness, you're so thin," Logan whispered, reaching for him before gesturing. "Is it okay if I touch you, Virgil? I'm going to get you onto the bed."

Virgil furrowed his brow, then twitched his shoulders in an attempt at a shrug. "Kay."

Logan nodded, gently pulling Virgil into his arms, and the pain in Virgil's head tripled (he vaguely remembered bashing his head against the wall) and he slammed his eyes closed, an involuntary cry ripping its way out of his throat.

Logan stumbled, startled, and nearly dropped him. "Virgil? What happened?"

Virgil tried to respond, he really did, but it felt like his head was packed with cotton, and he couldn't think of the words. "Beans?" he slurred. "Mom."

There was a vague part of him that knew he wasn't making any sense, and he just leaned against Logan's chest. "When was the last time you ate anything, Virgil?" Logan asked, sounding for all the world just like his mother.

"...What day 's't?"

He didn't hear Logan's reply, if there was one. He relaxed into his friend's arms, allowing his body to surrender to the tugging threads of unconsciousness.

He woke to the steady beeping of a heart monitor, and winced, scrunching his eyes closed against the searingly bright lights.

There was a shuffling noise to his left, and the light dimmed significantly. "Better?" Logan asked.

"Much," Virgil replied, immediately noticing the tubes attached to his body.

Logan noted his struggle, and gently took his hand. "I'm sorry, I forgot you would be unaware of the situation. You've been in the hospital for the last three days. You had to get a feeding tube and an IV drip to replenish the nutrients you'd lost during your...episode."

Virgil blinked. "Oh."

"I...was very worried. That I'd lost you. It was very close. Another half hour and I do believe I would not have gotten you to a hospital in time."

Logan's eyes welled up with tears, and he gripped Virgil's hand tightly. "If you're struggling, you can call me. I don't are what I'm doing, it isn't ever as important as helping you. Please let me help you." Logan's voice broke, and that was it. They both started to cry, Virgil hauling Logan up onto the bed, careful to avoid the wires and tubes, and curled against him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Don't be sorry," Logan hissed. "Don't ever be sorry. This isn't something you can brush off and blame on yourself. This isn't something that you can just pretend didn't happen later. Your mental health is important, and I never should have left you alone for as long as I did. It was severely irrisponsible of me."

"Thank you," Virgil whispered. "For helping me."

"You're worth it," Logan whispered back. "You're worth everything."


End file.
